I will jump in to the river crying trying to contribute my tears.
Some of you may have noticed that our site went down yesterday; and I have to say that it did. It turns out, insects made of pure information formed a nest in one of our webhost's servers. There, the queen laid her data packets where they hatched along a stream of binary code. I'm no programmer, so I'll spare you the technical details. However, needless to say, this was the reason why our webhosting service was full of spiders and lies. Eventually a higher intelligence evolved in the data stream which learned to eat the spiders and so here we are, four billion years later, on the planet earth.
Despite all of our webhost's jealous efforts to sabotage our success, we've been receiving a steady flow of 250 visits per day, which I think is pretty good considering we launched four days ago, and there is not one link to our comic on any search engine or website except for a few bulletin boards.
Nevertheless, like a bitter divorcee, I just want more, more, and more out of this settlement, including visitation rights on weekdays, weekends, and holidays. This means linking us up, on bulletin boards where you post, on your site, or even your aim profile. Do your friendsters know about this awesome site that you totally discovered first? Of course they don't; they are so lonely and without funny sites to look at while you laugh in your ivory tower of ALILBTDII. We are so desperate! You have no idea what it is like to spend ALL day on the internet promoting your site; it is like, well it is like that time you spent ALL day on the internet. It is gross, and afterwards you feel kind of sticky, and want to go outside but don't remember what it is like or what they do there.
Since our fourth quarter earnings have been low (we instead received two dimes and three pennies), to please our shareholders David and I have been considering selling an item of some sort on the site-- special items that perhaps we will make. If you can think of something you'd like from us for a fair and modest sum email us, though please NO a) significant portions of our bodies b) more love letters from cute girls in Japan (I'm kidding-- keep 'em comin'!) c) complex criminal and/or revenge schemes. Those are really the only rules I can think of, so let those letters roll on in as if you were writing Santa for baby Jesus' number so you could get advice on calling that girl you like.
The best suggestions we'll start selling on this very here posting board. And you, being lucky enough to know us before we got superhuge and celebrated, will have the opportunity to buy a David Dale O.G., made with a tender care touch, a passion and a yearning, we will never know again once we're poolside at our luxuriant and respective private ranches.
Your friend that's now trying to sell you stuff,